Clinician Susan Raphael’s Book Offers Priceless Tools & Techniques to Answer “What’s Wrong with My Teen?”
Many generations have had to deal with the “heart-rending quandary of teen addiction.” But today, this challenge is exacerbated by dangerous new factors in play, including: insidious aspects of social media, like cyberbullying, slut-shaming and sexting amongst teens; youth exposure to violent media, much of it on these ubiquitous social media platforms that we all use; the growth of new drug abuse (like fentanyl) by our kids, and the widening prevalence of eating disorders that further feed into mental distress in our young loved ones.
It’s a combustible concoction of factors that we parents and caregivers have to increasingly deal with.
But addiction and mental health clinician, Susan Raphael (ICADC) says there’s some good news. She is the founder and principal of Sustainable Recovery Counseling Services in Toronto, and is now a new author, who has “real-life” personal experience with addiction and long-term sustainable recovery, optimistically suggesting that “you’re not alone with the mental health and addiction issues your teenager is battling with.”
What’s Wrong with My Teen?
Packed with practical strategies and step-by-step guidance that empowers you for real change, her book “What’s Wrong with My Teen?” demystifies the complex interplay of addiction, mental health issues, and typical teenage behavior.
Using her own personal struggles and hard-won triumphs have provided her with deep insight and compassion for what the families she works with are going through. She answers some burning questions about what her new book has to offer.
— How does your personal story of overcoming addiction and related issues help support your proactive work?
— Since I have faced and overcome mental health disorders and addiction, I share my experience with my clients where appropriate. I let them know that I’ve been where they’ve been. They also can’t lie to me as easily. I see through it. Clients tell me that knowing I’ve been in their shoes helps them feel comfortable. They ask me questions about what it took for me to become ready to change. Additionally, losing my mother to cancer at the tender age of 13, instilled in me a certain wisdom and profound knowing that I am grateful for. My intuitive ability to connect with others who have experienced grief and loss is now my superpower. Through all the work I’ve done to change my tragedy has transformed into gifts I can share with others.
— When we were teens weren’t we also beset by issues?
— Yes, I think that’s a great insight. Adolescence is, by its very nature a time of great transition. Coming-of-age has always been challenging. There is so much going on with the biological, social, and psychological factors that impact development. As I have matured, I’ve asked my dad about his upbringing and I’ve researched our family tree. Knowledge is power, and raising my awareness about what happened to my dad in his life helps me understand and have compassion for his experience as a parent.
— So, what other new factors are afflicting our teens today like the breakdown of the nuclear family?
— There is a “new normal,” unlike the classic Family Ties or Little House on the Prairie depiction of families that maybe we grew up watching on TV. Family is not as clear-cut as it used to be. There is great diversity and this is wonderful. We have the capacity as human beings to change, grow and learn from each other. That requires open-mindedness and a willingness to listen to other people’s perspectives. We don’t have to agree to each other’s unique family makeup but accepting it is key. Connection is important and for connectivity to happen — with family, friends, or community — communication is key.
— How has the ubiquity of social media use affected our teens?
— Social media and the fact that most teenagers have smartphones (computers) in their pockets is a game-changer in today’s world. You and I didn’t grow up on Facebook or Instagram or TikTok. We had landlines, and our version of blocking and deleting was hanging up the rotary dial phone. Kidding aside, the impingement on peace of mind is worse as the average adolescent has hundreds of notifications on their devices every day. There is also a whole new world of surveillance parenting. We didn’t grow up with digital monitoring. Yet kids today and parents have this capability. Is it safety or is it snooping? These debates are happening and need to happen as we navigate a technology abundant world.
— But social media is not going away?
— It is extremely difficult as these devices are designed to keep us hooked. Attention is the new currency and social media wants our attention. We have to think critically about where we are giving our consent as our brains will get hijacked by tools like social media. How can we support our children, teens and young adults in using these tools? How do we stop the tools from using up our kids?
— What about the impact of drugs on our kids, the choice of which has changed from the 70s and 80s?
— The toxic drug availability makes experimenting with drugs more risky than ever in the history of drug use. Using a substance just once has the potential to be fatal. I’ve conducted many assessments in hospital psychiatric departments for what some people refer to as, “just weed.” Drug induced psychosis from using cannabis products is more likely to occur in young adults. The brain is still developing. Also, while I’m not an expert on fentanyl or any drug for that matter, I do know that the strength and potency is higher than anything society has had to deal with in the past. The toxicity of street drugs and what’s available on the internet and in our communities is a dire reality. My research shows that some drug dealers are adding fentanyl to drugs like heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine, and MDMA. They do this because it only takes a small amount of fentanyl to create a high, and it’s cheaper. This is especially risky because people who use these drugs may not know they contain fentanyl, which is a cheap but dangerous additive.
— Okay, your book asserts “you are not alone” — what are some first steps to deal with our kids, like judgment-free listening?
— Teens want to be seen, heard and validated. Maintaining a connection to your teen is essential. Through compassion and validation, connection is possible. For example, planning activities together even if it’s chores around the house. Tell them what’s happening in your life — share how you have overcome an obstacle and ask them questions about themselves with curiosity, not judgment. And then listen. Don’t try to fix, or offer unsolicited advice or lecture. No one likes to be peppered with questions so keep it light. Allow for connection over correction. Community parent groups are great for hearing what is working for other parents and self-care so that parents and caregivers have somewhere to listen and share and not feel so alone. Others are going through what you are. Find them. Al-Anon Family Groups and many other community services are there to help.
— What will your book offer us parents/adults as a complement to counselling?
— My book is a companion to your professional counselling journey. It’s a blueprint or roadmap of recovery options within the context of what your teen may be experiencing. There are many paths to change and to recovery. My book was carefully curated to offer the optimal reader experience. Each chapter is steeped with compassion. At the same time, chapters can be read on their own. The well-being of parents and caregivers matters, too. Often families come to me under the erroneous belief that the teen is the only one that needs to change. But families are a system and unless the whole system changes individuals tend to revert to old familiar ways of behaving. Readers will learn about how and why the teenage brain is so vulnerable. Once the framework and fundamentals of teen addiction and mental health issues are outlined then new tools to help caregivers add to what they are doing and contribute meaningfully to creating conditions that foster change for their teens are provided. They will also learn how and why to set practical and reasonable limits with your teen. For example, the language we use matters. What to say and what not to say are reviewed. Sample scripts are key and numerous examples are provided that can be customized
— Finally, Susan, could you give us some “do’s and don’ts”?
— Do read my book. Do try some new things. Talk to others who are going through similar challenges. Share ideas and carry your own message of recovery to others. Love your teens and love yourself. Listen and communicate. It’s about practice and not perfection.
Drop in on Susan Raphael’s website, and check out her new book “What’s Wrong with My Teen?”
